Reflections of a new Reverend (or Coming up for Air, Pt 2)

I was ordained at Coventry Cathedral on the evening of the 30^th June. It was an extraordinary moment – Spirit-filled, love-laced, and awe-inspiring. I stood behind the communion table looking down the Cathedral, ready to undertake my first task as a deacon, and held the hand of one of the other new deacons next to me as we sang And Can it Be and took in the enormity of what was happening to and around us.

That sense of privilege and awe at the enormity of the role before me has not diminished, nearly two months on. I have been on holiday for a week or so and I’m just starting to work through some of my first reflections on this new life….

1. Lots of my ordained friends told me that I would feel “different” after ordination but I didn’t believe them. I should have done. It’s not like I have become a different person or have suddenly sprouted a new, more holy outlook. I am still me – with all the flaws and potential for gaffes that I always had. But at the moment of ordination, I certainly felt the Spirit moving – equipping me, maybe – making me ready in a new way for what is to come. Perhaps, rather than a change, it felt more like a fulfilment – a sort of stepping in, after the years of discernment and training, to what God has called me to and a moment where that felt more real than it could possibly have done before.

2. I have started new churches before. I have always received warm and loving welcomes. I have always come away from those places, acutely aware of what I was going to miss about them (see my last post about Goodbyes for more about this). However, I don’t think that I have ever felt like I have arrived somewhere already loving a place and its people. I realised about a week after starting work at my curacy church (so just a week after ordination) that I barely knew anyone’s name but I felt a strong sense of love and attachment to the church community.

I am sure that this is the Spirit’s work – like I say, at that point I hardly knew more than 20 people’s names. I feel more strongly than ever that I am called specifically to this place and for this time. I am called to love this church and its community and have been given the wonderful gift of that love without having to put in any effort on my part. This, I’m sure, will get tested and pushed and other people might decide that loving me is a tricky job to undertake. But for now, I’m grateful for that sense of love and belonging that I feel has been bestowed upon me. Even when that brings sadness and tears as well as joy and laughter.

3. I am looking forward to the time when I am no longer a drain on the time and energy of my wonderful and already-long-suffering Training Minister! He has been generous with time and wisdom and has recognised my need, as an external processor, to reflect out loud on experiences and work out what I think God is saying and doing through them. I am acutely aware that I am taking up time that he could be spending on other things but he has been very willing to let me take the space I need with him to think through all the newness and I’m very grateful for that.

4. What I thought I needed to get involved in and what I was meant to be involved in were two quite different things. I thought that I should be stepping away from all musical involvement in this new church, as I had been so steeped in it in my role as Director of Music in my placement church. Fortunately, my Training Minister is a wise and sensible sort and suggested I might try doing a bit, at least. And it has been the most joyful, life-giving thing to be involved in. Whilst the level of involvement is still to be judged, I know I can lead a service and play keyboard and preach if I need to (and I have needed to!) and it all be ok.

5. Finally, all this newness is tiring! I need my day off by the time I get to it. I need downtime at the end of the day. I need to give myself space and time after a busy Sunday morning or a pastoral visit. I don’t think this is about me being weak or unable to cope but about acknowledging that ministry is costly, even when it’s going well and according to plan, and settling into new ministry is even more tiring. I’m learning that there has to be something left in the reserve tank for family and friends and also for when the going gets tough and you have to step up and step in. And the only way you can ensure that these reserves are there is by giving yourself time to rest when you can and when you need it.

The biggest single reflection so far? Ordained ministry is a privilege and a joy, but it’s also challenging and difficult at the same time. You get to be the person holding others when they need it, teaching others about Jesus, listening to others as they try to work out where life is taking them but you might also be the person that has to tell difficult truths, the person at whom the buck stops, the person who can’t look away when things get tough, the person who has to hold things together when all you might want to do is wobble along with everyone else. This life has the potential to be beautiful and brutal at the same time.  

And I love it.